Wednesday, March 27, 2013

The Man Cave...A Special Place for Morons

If you've ever watched T.V. you know at least 2 things.  1)  Only "professional drivers on a closed course" are allowed to drive that really cool Hyundai Sonata like their wife is giving birth in the car and the most convenient hospital is on a mountaintop in can't drive it like that, don't even think about it...just buy it, and 2)  Men are morons.  Especially the married ones.

These morons need to be separated from the rest of the house lest their moronitude rubs off on the "nice furniture."  They need a special place to not only be the drooling idiots they are, but also to commune with other single celled organisms.  Women don't want a part of this, never have.  Only fairly recently have we finally put a name to this den of drool...the Man Cave.  Make no mistake, Man Caves have been in existence for ages.  From actual caves hidden in the hills where Og and Grog would go to stare at the wall and make jokes about the size of their reproductive organs, to the updated variation where Steve and Johnny go to stare at the T.V. on the wall and make jokes about the size of their reproductive organs on furniture.

Captain Leisure Tees wholeheartedly endorses the concept of a Man Cave.  The Captain doesn't have one, but near as he can tell, it's a good arrangement for all involved.  Here's a Sign and a T-Shirt just for our beloved den droolers.  Yes, we sell signs too, check them out here.

Once in a while men will venture out of the cave, rub their eyes and make their way to one of their less satisfying "satellite" Man Caves.  These satellite caves take on many forms like garages, grills, fire pits, or the refrigerator (if they don't have one in their actual cave...lame!).  These satellite caves aren't as satisfying because their more intelligent mates still have some control over these areas.  Garages can be "organized", grills can be covered with something that matches the patio furniture and even refrigerators can have a "beer limit" to leave room for less necessary items like milk and bread.  Nevertheless, some dudeness can be found at these satellite caves and hanging around them is always preferable to the dreaded living room with its coasters and reading material.

The Captain wouldn't want to give short shrift to these satellite caves.  They can get a guy through a fix in a tough spot until he can finally reach the manctuary of his actual cave.  Let's hear it for the satellite caves!  Here's a few more signs and a T-Shirt.

The Captain doesn't want to make all men seem less intelligent than their female counterparts, but he doesn't like lying either.  Face it guys, without women we'd still have sheets for drapes and cinder block shelving units.  We are idiots.  Art imitates life.  Sitcoms are sorta like art.  You know the old saying, "Behind every drooling man is a woman who keeps him from stabbing himself with sharp things."  Well, it's true, and so are those sitcoms.

Some of you may be thinking, "The Captain must not be a real man if he doesn't have a Man Cave".  Well, think away you naysayers.  Have you ever killed rabid squirrel with your bare hands?  Neither has The Captain, but if he had to do it to protect his loved ones he'd man up and go toe to paw with that beast from hell.  They'd probably even make a special note of his courage in the obituary.  "Rabid squirrel bests drooling moron over garbage can dispute."

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Supreme Leaders and Supreme Wieners

The Captain's sidekick is The Speckster.  She's 18 pounds of Supreme Leader and knows it.  She's been a fuzzy little pain in the ass for 14+ years and runs the house.  You can't be the sharpest knife in the drawer and let a dog run your house, The Captain is fully aware of this, go ahead...point it out...he doesn't care.  He's got way sharper knives in the drawer at his pad, The Speckster and Mrs. Captain.  He'll let you put those two in order or sharpitude.  He sure as hell isn't gonna take a stab at it (pun intended).  Needless to say, they run the house and The Captain is comfortable with this, it's the only thing that keeps his universe in order.  Supreme Leaders, both of them.  The Captain, supreme follower.

So it is with great pleasure that this week he looks at Supreme Leaders.  The four legged version, specifically Dachshunds, and the 4 brain celled version, Kim Jong-Un.  Both dictatorial and and cuddly in their own way and both inspiring new funny t-shirt designs from Captain Leisure Tees this week.

Ok, maybe not both cuddly, but Kim Jong-Un looks sorta cuddly...kinda like that chunky toddler applying a death grip to your leg in the produce section.  "Hey! This ain't your momma's leg little fella, but grab away."  Baby fat always feels good against a comfortable pair of pants.  That's why Kim Jong-Un needs a wardrobe change, a comfortable Supreme Leader is a less violent one.  Ever see a dictator order a mass killing while wearing a velour jumpsuit?  Didn't think so.  Embargos, sanctions, veiled threats, actual threats?  Useless.  It's like the old saying goes, "Drop velour, not bombs."  Problem solved.

And here's our new t-shirt...

Ironically, dogs tend to get more agitated when wearing comfortable clothes.  A couple problems with dressing up dogs:  First, the kind of dog owners that dress up dogs are nuts (see: The Captain).  Second, dogs don't talk, so they can't tell us to stop.  But, they do know their next meal is coming from you which is the only reason they don't take your leg off from the knee down 5 seconds into you dressing them up like a barnyard animal.  They've never seen you feed them with one leg and they're not in a gambling mood today.  So, our fuzzy little pals endure the madness, embarrassment, humiliation and mocking from their peers knowing two things: 1)  It is only because of them that you will be able to walk to their food dish that evening and 2)  They will be taking a dump in the basement later tonight.

And here's a few new Dachshund t-shirts for all you doxie lovers out there...

So today's lesson is to keep your Supreme Leaders comfortable.  Nobody likes mass killings and dumps in the basement.  Messy.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Asteroids...Beyond Thunderdome

You know that saying "Live every moment like it's your last"?  The Captain tried it for a while, but running over bikers blocking his lane and stealing energy shots from the gas station catches up to you real fast.  But if you pay attention to the news, it might be time for all of us to implement our own special style of anarchy into our daily lives.  Asteroids are going to kill us all....and soon.  So it's high time to start Carpeing some diem.  Loosely translated from it's original Latin, it means "That lady in line that can't decide what bagel to get is about to get kidney punched from behind."

Asteroids used to be cool.  The Captain loved the stand up arcade game of the same name.  4 buttons:  Rotate left, rotate right, thrust and fire.  That's it man.  Joysticks be damned.  Kids today wouldn't walk across the hall to play it.  The Captain used to ride his bike 3 miles each way to pump that thing full of quarters.

Asteroids are a little scarier now, but thanks to the media outlets' tireless attention to detail, he's learned a lot about them.  The standard unit of measure for asteroids is (in ascending order):  Automobile, Football Field and City Block sized.  The only acceptable deviation from these measurements is to half them, e.g. 1/2 the size of a football field, 1/2 the size of a city block.  Never use thirds or quarters, too confusing.  When referring to how bad the impact is going to be, it is only acceptable to use the atomic bomb dropped on Hiroshima as reference.  So, one might say something like:  "If that football field sized asteroid that just skimmed the earth would have hit us it would have been like 17 Hiroshima bombs!"  But one should never say: "That 1/3 of an automobile sized asteroid hitting us would have been like 3 Nagasaki bombs."

The Captain thinks his new t-shirt is about as good as any plan we've come up with to date to save us all from certain destruction.

So what happens when the City Block sized Asteroid hits us with the impact of 1,500 Hiroshima bombs?  Have you ever seen Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome?  That's what happens.  A few things to look forward to:  1)  Dirt will cease to exist, there will only be sand.  2)  Our only reliable power source will be methane from pig feces.  3)  Watching two men thrust into a giant piece of playground equipment to battle to the death will be as routine as that first cup of sand filtered urine in the morning.  4)  Tina Turner will still look good no matter what she's wearing.

 Here's a new Captain Leisure Tees t-shirt to get you ready for what's just around the corner.

Sure we'll have a little period of adjustment ahead of us, but The Captain thinks we're up to it.  Kids won't ride their bikes to play video games anymore, but a good 3 mile sand walk in 100 degree heat to play with a rabid dog is nothing to shake a sawed off shotgun at.  Besides, the Captain is sure we'll all look good in leather, metal and feathers.  Just be sure to wear a t-shirt underneath to avoid chafing.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

The Other Royal Family

Beware're not the only show in town anymore.

Being married to a cake decorator means a couple things.  One, she will come home after baking days smelling like.....the Captain can't explain it.  It's a combination of the best smell you've ever smelled combined with the worst.  It's sorta like those Febreze commercials.  The Captain feels like he's blindfolded in a low rent apartment knowing something isn't quite right but really hankering for a slab of cake.  Two, being married to a cake decorator means forced language immersion school.  Cakey lingo, you gotta speak it or you'll be as helpless as the time you tried to get a better price on that must have monkey paw door knocker at the market in Egypt.  Oh yeah, it happened.  The international language ain't love, it's $15 bucks is my final offer.

For those of you who don't know, Royal Icing is used all the friggin' time in decorating.  It's like MSG, you may not know what it is, but you've eaten it.  Here's what it looks like on one of the Captain's wife's cakes.

They don't call her the Evil Cake Genius for nothing.  She uses it for screenprinting and stenciling on cakes and cookies.  You can see more of her handiwork and cool decorating stencils and screens for sale at Gateaux, Inc's website.

Now, about that Royal Family.  The Captain only knows what he hears on T.V. and reads in magazines as he's waiting to buy groceries.  To sum up:  One's in the armed forces and likes to party, one's bald and looks like his dad and is married to a lady with a name straight outta some crappy Disney movie.  And there's an older woman who seems pretty nice and likes to skydive with James Bond.

Don't get the Captain wrong, they all seem like swell peeps.  Hell, he's even hung out with some of their guards as he and the Evil Cake Genius checked off every cheesy touristy picture they could on their trip to the land of the Royals.

But what about the other Royal Family?  The one that really matters.  The one used to help decorate, glue, print, pipe, stencil and make what the Captain's about to shove down his gullet look as sweet as it tastes....what about them?  Well, they now have their own coat of arms.

This Royal Family has a lot of catching up to do to be as overexposed as the original, so they've decided to sell out and offer this design on T-Shirts and Aprons. After a long selection process Captain Leisure Tees was chosen as their exclusive partner in this venture.  Needless to say, everybody in the Captain Leisure Tees family is honored and humbled.  Now if we can just get our PR firm to orchestrate and "accidental" release of some topless vacation photos or something, sales will really take off.  Ever seen a pastry bag topless?  Well, you're about to, just keep your eyes peeled next time you're checking out at the grocery store.