Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Asteroids...Beyond Thunderdome

You know that saying "Live every moment like it's your last"?  The Captain tried it for a while, but running over bikers blocking his lane and stealing energy shots from the gas station catches up to you real fast.  But if you pay attention to the news, it might be time for all of us to implement our own special style of anarchy into our daily lives.  Asteroids are going to kill us all....and soon.  So it's high time to start Carpeing some diem.  Loosely translated from it's original Latin, it means "That lady in line that can't decide what bagel to get is about to get kidney punched from behind."

Asteroids used to be cool.  The Captain loved the stand up arcade game of the same name.  4 buttons:  Rotate left, rotate right, thrust and fire.  That's it man.  Joysticks be damned.  Kids today wouldn't walk across the hall to play it.  The Captain used to ride his bike 3 miles each way to pump that thing full of quarters.

Asteroids are a little scarier now, but thanks to the media outlets' tireless attention to detail, he's learned a lot about them.  The standard unit of measure for asteroids is (in ascending order):  Automobile, Football Field and City Block sized.  The only acceptable deviation from these measurements is to half them, e.g. 1/2 the size of a football field, 1/2 the size of a city block.  Never use thirds or quarters, too confusing.  When referring to how bad the impact is going to be, it is only acceptable to use the atomic bomb dropped on Hiroshima as reference.  So, one might say something like:  "If that football field sized asteroid that just skimmed the earth would have hit us it would have been like 17 Hiroshima bombs!"  But one should never say: "That 1/3 of an automobile sized asteroid hitting us would have been like 3 Nagasaki bombs."

The Captain thinks his new t-shirt is about as good as any plan we've come up with to date to save us all from certain destruction.

So what happens when the City Block sized Asteroid hits us with the impact of 1,500 Hiroshima bombs?  Have you ever seen Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome?  That's what happens.  A few things to look forward to:  1)  Dirt will cease to exist, there will only be sand.  2)  Our only reliable power source will be methane from pig feces.  3)  Watching two men thrust into a giant piece of playground equipment to battle to the death will be as routine as that first cup of sand filtered urine in the morning.  4)  Tina Turner will still look good no matter what she's wearing.

 Here's a new Captain Leisure Tees t-shirt to get you ready for what's just around the corner.

Sure we'll have a little period of adjustment ahead of us, but The Captain thinks we're up to it.  Kids won't ride their bikes to play video games anymore, but a good 3 mile sand walk in 100 degree heat to play with a rabid dog is nothing to shake a sawed off shotgun at.  Besides, the Captain is sure we'll all look good in leather, metal and feathers.  Just be sure to wear a t-shirt underneath to avoid chafing.

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