Thursday, November 28, 2013

Life is unfair. The Captain is thankful for that.

The Captain's not the sharpest bulb on the tree and often has a difficult time wrapping his average brain around certain concepts. This is where dictionaries come in handy. For him they take big words and break them down into smaller words that make more sense. So today he decided to look up "Thankful"...being that it's Thanksgiving and all. This is what he got:

Being thankful can be pretty tough sometimes. We recently had to put down The Speckster who was a member of the family. The Speckster joined us the summer we bought our first house and was with us for 15 1/2 years. Yeah, yeah, we're that crazy couple with no kids a dog.

But she wasn't "a dog." She was The Speckster. She ate lunch with The Captain every day for years....thousands of times. She gave us a reason to walk around the neighborhood every day which forced us to do the important things in life; chase squirrels and look at fallen leaves. She slept in our bed at night and even had her own blog where she communicated with us when we were out of town.

She was a member of the family. Now she's gone.

Like most people, The Captain has a pretty good idea of how he thinks life should be going for him and when that doesn't happen he begins to think life isn't "fair." Smarter people than him will remind him that indeed life isn't "fair" and he better be thankful for that. Is it "fair" that he has a job that allowed him to eat lunch with The Speckster every day? Not to most people. Is it "fair" that he had a house and bed where she could sleep at night? Not to lots of people. Is it "fair" that he was physically able to walk around the neighborhood every day with her? Not to some people.

Let's get back to that definition...

The Captain is "glad that something happened." We got to spend 15 1/2 years with Speck. Thankful. The Captain is "glad that something didn't happen." She didn't suffer at the end of her life. Thankful. The Captain is "glad that someone exists." Family and friends and his wife made this process easier by sharing their experiences and letting him know that everything would be o.k. Thankful.

We always knew we would get another dog when Speck was no longer with us, but were worried that it would be difficult. Speck was one of a kind. We started browsing rescue sites online just to get the process started when we ran across a picture of a dog named Charlie that had that same spark in his eye that Speck always had. He was up to no good, and we liked that. We filled out our application. We were approved pending a home visit and before we knew we had a new member of the family. Say hi to Charlie.

In just 5 days Charlie has settled in nicely to our home. He's really is a "good boy." He also has a bit of an underbite and was quickly dubbed The Chiranha. We also found out that there were 2 applications for Charlie. His foster mom informed us that he literally ate the other application. We were right. He was up to no good. The kind of "no good" that is good. The best kind.

The Chiranha has already made it over to Captain Leisure Tees HQ a couple times and loves to look out the window at the bird feeder. He and The Captain have already made a trip to the bank together where he made fast friends with the teller who was low on treats and apologetically informed us that she only had broken pieces left. Pretty darn unfair for a first trip to the bank. We weren't getting what we though we deserved... as the broken pieces fit his little underbite just perfectly we drove off together thankful that life was unfair.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

The Man Cave...A Special Place for Morons

If you've ever watched T.V. you know at least 2 things.  1)  Only "professional drivers on a closed course" are allowed to drive that really cool Hyundai Sonata like their wife is giving birth in the car and the most convenient hospital is on a mountaintop in can't drive it like that, don't even think about it...just buy it, and 2)  Men are morons.  Especially the married ones.

These morons need to be separated from the rest of the house lest their moronitude rubs off on the "nice furniture."  They need a special place to not only be the drooling idiots they are, but also to commune with other single celled organisms.  Women don't want a part of this, never have.  Only fairly recently have we finally put a name to this den of drool...the Man Cave.  Make no mistake, Man Caves have been in existence for ages.  From actual caves hidden in the hills where Og and Grog would go to stare at the wall and make jokes about the size of their reproductive organs, to the updated variation where Steve and Johnny go to stare at the T.V. on the wall and make jokes about the size of their reproductive organs on furniture.

Captain Leisure Tees wholeheartedly endorses the concept of a Man Cave.  The Captain doesn't have one, but near as he can tell, it's a good arrangement for all involved.  Here's a Sign and a T-Shirt just for our beloved den droolers.  Yes, we sell signs too, check them out here.

Once in a while men will venture out of the cave, rub their eyes and make their way to one of their less satisfying "satellite" Man Caves.  These satellite caves take on many forms like garages, grills, fire pits, or the refrigerator (if they don't have one in their actual cave...lame!).  These satellite caves aren't as satisfying because their more intelligent mates still have some control over these areas.  Garages can be "organized", grills can be covered with something that matches the patio furniture and even refrigerators can have a "beer limit" to leave room for less necessary items like milk and bread.  Nevertheless, some dudeness can be found at these satellite caves and hanging around them is always preferable to the dreaded living room with its coasters and reading material.

The Captain wouldn't want to give short shrift to these satellite caves.  They can get a guy through a fix in a tough spot until he can finally reach the manctuary of his actual cave.  Let's hear it for the satellite caves!  Here's a few more signs and a T-Shirt.

The Captain doesn't want to make all men seem less intelligent than their female counterparts, but he doesn't like lying either.  Face it guys, without women we'd still have sheets for drapes and cinder block shelving units.  We are idiots.  Art imitates life.  Sitcoms are sorta like art.  You know the old saying, "Behind every drooling man is a woman who keeps him from stabbing himself with sharp things."  Well, it's true, and so are those sitcoms.

Some of you may be thinking, "The Captain must not be a real man if he doesn't have a Man Cave".  Well, think away you naysayers.  Have you ever killed rabid squirrel with your bare hands?  Neither has The Captain, but if he had to do it to protect his loved ones he'd man up and go toe to paw with that beast from hell.  They'd probably even make a special note of his courage in the obituary.  "Rabid squirrel bests drooling moron over garbage can dispute."

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Supreme Leaders and Supreme Wieners

The Captain's sidekick is The Speckster.  She's 18 pounds of Supreme Leader and knows it.  She's been a fuzzy little pain in the ass for 14+ years and runs the house.  You can't be the sharpest knife in the drawer and let a dog run your house, The Captain is fully aware of this, go ahead...point it out...he doesn't care.  He's got way sharper knives in the drawer at his pad, The Speckster and Mrs. Captain.  He'll let you put those two in order or sharpitude.  He sure as hell isn't gonna take a stab at it (pun intended).  Needless to say, they run the house and The Captain is comfortable with this, it's the only thing that keeps his universe in order.  Supreme Leaders, both of them.  The Captain, supreme follower.

So it is with great pleasure that this week he looks at Supreme Leaders.  The four legged version, specifically Dachshunds, and the 4 brain celled version, Kim Jong-Un.  Both dictatorial and and cuddly in their own way and both inspiring new funny t-shirt designs from Captain Leisure Tees this week.

Ok, maybe not both cuddly, but Kim Jong-Un looks sorta cuddly...kinda like that chunky toddler applying a death grip to your leg in the produce section.  "Hey! This ain't your momma's leg little fella, but grab away."  Baby fat always feels good against a comfortable pair of pants.  That's why Kim Jong-Un needs a wardrobe change, a comfortable Supreme Leader is a less violent one.  Ever see a dictator order a mass killing while wearing a velour jumpsuit?  Didn't think so.  Embargos, sanctions, veiled threats, actual threats?  Useless.  It's like the old saying goes, "Drop velour, not bombs."  Problem solved.

And here's our new t-shirt...

Ironically, dogs tend to get more agitated when wearing comfortable clothes.  A couple problems with dressing up dogs:  First, the kind of dog owners that dress up dogs are nuts (see: The Captain).  Second, dogs don't talk, so they can't tell us to stop.  But, they do know their next meal is coming from you which is the only reason they don't take your leg off from the knee down 5 seconds into you dressing them up like a barnyard animal.  They've never seen you feed them with one leg and they're not in a gambling mood today.  So, our fuzzy little pals endure the madness, embarrassment, humiliation and mocking from their peers knowing two things: 1)  It is only because of them that you will be able to walk to their food dish that evening and 2)  They will be taking a dump in the basement later tonight.

And here's a few new Dachshund t-shirts for all you doxie lovers out there...

So today's lesson is to keep your Supreme Leaders comfortable.  Nobody likes mass killings and dumps in the basement.  Messy.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Asteroids...Beyond Thunderdome

You know that saying "Live every moment like it's your last"?  The Captain tried it for a while, but running over bikers blocking his lane and stealing energy shots from the gas station catches up to you real fast.  But if you pay attention to the news, it might be time for all of us to implement our own special style of anarchy into our daily lives.  Asteroids are going to kill us all....and soon.  So it's high time to start Carpeing some diem.  Loosely translated from it's original Latin, it means "That lady in line that can't decide what bagel to get is about to get kidney punched from behind."

Asteroids used to be cool.  The Captain loved the stand up arcade game of the same name.  4 buttons:  Rotate left, rotate right, thrust and fire.  That's it man.  Joysticks be damned.  Kids today wouldn't walk across the hall to play it.  The Captain used to ride his bike 3 miles each way to pump that thing full of quarters.

Asteroids are a little scarier now, but thanks to the media outlets' tireless attention to detail, he's learned a lot about them.  The standard unit of measure for asteroids is (in ascending order):  Automobile, Football Field and City Block sized.  The only acceptable deviation from these measurements is to half them, e.g. 1/2 the size of a football field, 1/2 the size of a city block.  Never use thirds or quarters, too confusing.  When referring to how bad the impact is going to be, it is only acceptable to use the atomic bomb dropped on Hiroshima as reference.  So, one might say something like:  "If that football field sized asteroid that just skimmed the earth would have hit us it would have been like 17 Hiroshima bombs!"  But one should never say: "That 1/3 of an automobile sized asteroid hitting us would have been like 3 Nagasaki bombs."

The Captain thinks his new t-shirt is about as good as any plan we've come up with to date to save us all from certain destruction.

So what happens when the City Block sized Asteroid hits us with the impact of 1,500 Hiroshima bombs?  Have you ever seen Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome?  That's what happens.  A few things to look forward to:  1)  Dirt will cease to exist, there will only be sand.  2)  Our only reliable power source will be methane from pig feces.  3)  Watching two men thrust into a giant piece of playground equipment to battle to the death will be as routine as that first cup of sand filtered urine in the morning.  4)  Tina Turner will still look good no matter what she's wearing.

 Here's a new Captain Leisure Tees t-shirt to get you ready for what's just around the corner.

Sure we'll have a little period of adjustment ahead of us, but The Captain thinks we're up to it.  Kids won't ride their bikes to play video games anymore, but a good 3 mile sand walk in 100 degree heat to play with a rabid dog is nothing to shake a sawed off shotgun at.  Besides, the Captain is sure we'll all look good in leather, metal and feathers.  Just be sure to wear a t-shirt underneath to avoid chafing.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

The Other Royal Family

Beware're not the only show in town anymore.

Being married to a cake decorator means a couple things.  One, she will come home after baking days smelling like.....the Captain can't explain it.  It's a combination of the best smell you've ever smelled combined with the worst.  It's sorta like those Febreze commercials.  The Captain feels like he's blindfolded in a low rent apartment knowing something isn't quite right but really hankering for a slab of cake.  Two, being married to a cake decorator means forced language immersion school.  Cakey lingo, you gotta speak it or you'll be as helpless as the time you tried to get a better price on that must have monkey paw door knocker at the market in Egypt.  Oh yeah, it happened.  The international language ain't love, it's $15 bucks is my final offer.

For those of you who don't know, Royal Icing is used all the friggin' time in decorating.  It's like MSG, you may not know what it is, but you've eaten it.  Here's what it looks like on one of the Captain's wife's cakes.

They don't call her the Evil Cake Genius for nothing.  She uses it for screenprinting and stenciling on cakes and cookies.  You can see more of her handiwork and cool decorating stencils and screens for sale at Gateaux, Inc's website.

Now, about that Royal Family.  The Captain only knows what he hears on T.V. and reads in magazines as he's waiting to buy groceries.  To sum up:  One's in the armed forces and likes to party, one's bald and looks like his dad and is married to a lady with a name straight outta some crappy Disney movie.  And there's an older woman who seems pretty nice and likes to skydive with James Bond.

Don't get the Captain wrong, they all seem like swell peeps.  Hell, he's even hung out with some of their guards as he and the Evil Cake Genius checked off every cheesy touristy picture they could on their trip to the land of the Royals.

But what about the other Royal Family?  The one that really matters.  The one used to help decorate, glue, print, pipe, stencil and make what the Captain's about to shove down his gullet look as sweet as it tastes....what about them?  Well, they now have their own coat of arms.

This Royal Family has a lot of catching up to do to be as overexposed as the original, so they've decided to sell out and offer this design on T-Shirts and Aprons. After a long selection process Captain Leisure Tees was chosen as their exclusive partner in this venture.  Needless to say, everybody in the Captain Leisure Tees family is honored and humbled.  Now if we can just get our PR firm to orchestrate and "accidental" release of some topless vacation photos or something, sales will really take off.  Ever seen a pastry bag topless?  Well, you're about to, just keep your eyes peeled next time you're checking out at the grocery store.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

This is a test. It's only a test.

Or: You can't test stupid.

The Captain was a pretty darn good test taker all through his 17 years of school.  That's right....17.  He wedged in a year to find himself.  He did indeed find himself.  He was on the couch drinking 20 cent bottled beer and mastering Sonic the Hedgehog, but that's another story.  He was a good test taker for one reason and one reason only, he knew it was the only thing that counted towards his grade.  Showing up, paying attention, following direction, working in teams, listening? Optional character building distractions on the path to the Test.

You see, young Captain was stupid.  He had it all backwards.  He'd trade every A or B he ever got for a C or D and a little more knowledge, a little more character building, a little more....well, discipline.  Bad learner, good test taker.  His first and second bosses out of college found out pretty damn quick that he wasn't the best at listening, working in teams or following directions.  Neither boss ever asked or cared what his GPA was in college.  The Captain remembers distinctly the occasion that they each learned he had graduated from college....both instances more than a year after he had started working for them.

Dr. Hermann Rorschach was a bit of a genius.  His inkblot test doesn't let you cram the night before.  It doesn't let you cheat, because it happens NOW.  It's the equivalent of a pop quiz if you didn't know what a pop quiz was.  That my friend is a pop-pop-quiz.  BOOM!  "What's it look like?"  Well, as you can see, sometimes they all look the same, as one of our T-Shirts from this week's new designs proves.

Ok, ok.  Men are pigs.  But back to this week's lesson.

What is the lesson?  What can you possibly glean from the Captain's test taking, Sonic the Hedgehog, beer drinking past?  There isn't one.  Well, maybe one.  Adults were right, they always are on the big stuff.  Stuff that matters.  Stuff you learn through experience.  Stuff you learn too late.  Does he wish he could do it over again?  Nope.  Because for every stupid thing he did when he was stupid, he became a little less stupid now, which means he's not too stupid.  Just stupid enough to be dangerous.  Stupid like a fox.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Dr. Schrodinger's Leg. Smart ain't always smart.

Don't fret, you're probably smarter than a doctor and here's proof.

If you haven't heard of "Schrodinger's Cat" and want to get really confused, check out the wiki entry here.  For our purposes here's all you need to know.

Dr. Schrodinger proposed a thought experiment (relax, it was never actually done) where you put a cat in a box with roughly a 50/50 chance of being killed within one hour by the possible release of poison gas.  The cat is indeed BOTH alive and dead at the end of the hour because the only way to find out is to interfere with the experiment by opening the box.  Sounds legit, huh?  This really makes The Captain's brain hurt like nobody's business.  But thank God for smart people like this guy, it's people like him that figured out how to put images on T-Shirts and build bridges so The Captain can get to work.

The Captain is only interested in two aspects of this experiment:
1)  Putting a cat in a box.
2)  Letting said cat out of box.

It's a known fact that cats have always loved boxes and paper bags.  Scientists have long known that the simple reason for this is because evolution has genetically selected their species to be furry pains in the ass.  It's also a known fact that cats have always not loved being PUT in anything, included their beloved boxes.  No experiment necessary.  Any "putting" anywhere will be done by the cat, not TO the cat.  This has been proven by legions of cat fanciers over the course of history.

Thank you Doc Schrodinger for Captain Leisure Tees new T-Shirt design.

The old doc clearly wasn't a Rhodes Scholar (well, maybe he was).  The Captain ain't sporting booksmarts like the doc, but even he knows these ALL would have been safer choices:

And that concludes The Captain's class on why you are probably smarter than a doctor.  So you can now go on to WebMd and start diagnosing that pesky mole on your back.  The Captain thinks it's a great idea...almost as great as putting a cat in a box.

Next week:  Why you're smarter than your boss.
***spoiler alert*** shortest blog ever.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Those IKEA Swedes are trying to ruin my marriage.

and a very special Valentines T-Shirt:  Nu Dressur.

Hell on Earth

Ok, ok...Maybe "hell" is a little strong.  But is it?  Who's to say what hell is anyway?  Yeah, yeah, The Captain knows the prevailing opinion includes hoofed beasts, lots of fire and pokey metal things, but so does a weekend barbecue, so lighten up.  He's not going to get into all that.  Whatever lights your fire (so to speak) when it comes to otherworldly stuff, he's all for it.  He's talking about a different hell.  You guessed it.  Hell on earth.  Or as The Captain likes to put it: "those IKEA Swedes are trying to ruin my marriage."

See, the Swedes are a diabolical lot bent on psychological torture.  He still hasn't decided if buying or building their crap is worse.  Would you rather burn to death or be eaten alive?  Tough call.  But once The Captain has grabbed his paper ruler and elf sized pencil there's no turning back.  And so begins the endless and mind numbing zig zag zombie furniture walk of death.  A third of the way through he's lost any sense of direction he may have had.  Halfway through he's trying to figure out in case of fire which piece of furniture he can't pronounce is most likely to make it through the inch thick 2nd story window glass.  Two thirds of the way through The Captain wishes he would have listened to all those people who thought he should get his affairs in order "just in case...god forbid something should happen."  "Something's effing happening man!" he quietly yells to the first woman with a double stroller blocking his way to nowhere.  His walking lobotomy now complete, the Swedes will thrust his limp and brainless body through the world's longest point of purchase gauntlet.  "Holy $%@! how come we don't have magnetic spice holders honey? what the hell have we been thinking all these years? spices hanging like bats off our fridge, what do you want to do with the time we're going to save....hey! chip clips!"  By the time he gets home (and his brain cells begin to regenerate) these things all reveal themselves for what they actually are:  Crap.  Hanging crap, magnetic crap, clippy crap, bulk crap and space saving neatly stacking crap.

And it's at this point that the Swedes have you by the umlauts.  See, The Captain sucks really hard at building stuff and won't read directions because they confuse him.  He no like stuff that makes him feel dumb.  Fortunately for Mrs. Captain he'll be bringing to the effort his dehydration, sore feet and a mild case of starvation courtesy of the IKEA Swedes.  This, plus his inability to follow verbal directions and patience of a 3 year old always results in a glowing team effort.

Nu Dressur T-Shirt

But at the end of the day when The Captain and his better half are looking at their new dresser and wondering where that last screw was supposed to go they have some time to reflect.  They're sure that if they can make it through this, they can make it through anything.  This is the exact moment the Swedes true evil plot takes shape.  One of us will look at the other and say "It really wasn't that hard. We could really use a _____."

The free alan wrench?  It's a memory scrubbing device.  Get them out of your house.  Every. Last. One....Now!

Here's one more T-Shirt if you're one of those people that won't let those Swedes or anyone else push you around with their silly assembly instructions.

Assembly Instructions?  You Mean the Manufacturer's Opinion T-Shirt

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

What do these 3 things have in common?

1) Wiener Dogs 
2) Dr. Seuss 
3) Food Network Cake Challenge 

No, no. This isn't some kind of SAT test. By the way, the Captain didn't study for his and ACED it. And by "aced" he means he stayed awake for a majority of the time. "The Man" isn't going to define the Captain with some arbitrary number. Well, actually "the man" did.  He'll let you guess the number.

Once in a while somebody will ask the Captain "how do you come up with your ideas for funny t-shirts?" His response is always, "wow! you think one is funny? which one? which one?"  Side note:  The Captain doesn't think any of his t-shirts are funny, clever, cute or even marginally amusing.  But that's a different story.  After he tries to get any kind of self esteem boost he can from said person, he then answers "I don't know" and quickly changes the subject. Why? Because he truly doesn't know.  But he does know one thing, we all have tons of useless crap rattling around in our brain cage and sometimes it leaks out our ears... and that brings us back to: Wiener Dogs, Dr. Seuss and Food Network Cake Challenges.... So, try to follow along.

 The Captain's wife decorates cakes.  She did a Food Network Cake Challenge.  The Captain went along.  They have a dog.  They're crazy about their dog.  Her name is Speck.  Speck was the name of Pee Wee's Dog in "Pee Wee's Big Adventure."  The Captain thinks Pee Wee is a genius.  Dr. Seuss is a genius in a different way.  His wife calls herself the "Evil Cake Genius."  The Captain had some Dr. Seuss books as a kid.  He doesn't read books, TV is better.  The Evil Cake Genius was gonna be on TV.  The theme of the Cake Challenge was Dr. Seuss.  His wife did a Green Eggs and Ham cake.  The Captain likes cake.  He also likes his dog.  Dachsunds are a kind of dog.  People call them wiener dogs.  "Wiener dog" sounds funnier than Dachshund.  At the taping of the show he was clockwork oranged on a looped feed of some Dr. Seuss cartoon for 10 hours.  10 hours is a long time.  Wiener dogs are long.  Wieners are funny.  So is Pee Wee.  "Big Top Pee Wee" wasn't as funny as "Big Adventure."  Mmmmm cake.  People are crazy about cake.  People are crazy about wiener dogs.  People are crazy about Dr. Seuss.  Paul Reubens is just plain crazy.  People buy shirts for stuff they're crazy about.  Can't license Pee Wee.

So the Captain decided to do some t-shirts for cake decorators and some t-shirts for dachshund owners.

So you want to know how you can come up with some t-shirt ideas?  Just keep living and once in a while tilt your head to one side....what leaks out of your ear might surprise you.

Evil Cake Genius T-Shirt
See More T-Shirts for Cake Decorators

One Wiener Two Wiener Red Wiener Blue Wiener T-Shirt

 See More T-Shirts for Dachshund Lovers

Watch Pee Wee greet Speck in the morning!
Watch the Dr. Seuss Food Network Challenge